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Progression is not always moving forward

I feel so much like I am pedaling backwards and getting nowhere with school. 

I started out in one online school with a graduation year of 2019, then due to struggles with compatibility issues in their structure I decided to try a brick and mortar school but still online due to I have nothing available local. I was good for a year and then they started changing their format and I felt like I was having to teach myself and a little stifled in what was offered for classes. So I searched for better instruction and selection of classes and decided to go back to the first school which at this time had been taken over by another company, however, switching schools gave me a lot of classes that did not transfer to usable credits. Just another sign that the previous school was making me take fluff and that was how I felt as well. So now my graduation year is 2020

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Dec. 15th, 2018

I am a few months into my decision to give up sex. What a relief it takes off of me. I never realized how much work it was to try and do what it seems like a performance for others. All my life I have been surrounded by people that made it seem like sex was the best way to connect with another and the only way to be close or intimate. How wrong they were, I only wish I had seen it sooner and not been so fooled into a false sense of comfort.

Many years of marriage and our lives revolved around the bedroom. It actually became a chore and was so monotonous that I don't even remember when it happened and when it didnt. So to give it up did not seem like much. Just remember to not think about it and give it purpose in my life. 

I had a few encounters that I thought had meaning, I felt we needed that connection to solidify our feelings. It was great in the moment but empty afterwards. Why? OMG I racked my brain over that one. Lots of research. Was something wrong with me? NO.....

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Sigh......the holidays

I am trying so hard to find the joy that I have always found in this time of year. From Halloween till New Years Day I could always find something to bring me happiness. Mostly because there seems to be many moments during this time that I can concentrate on others instead of myself. I have found that I get great joy in making others happy and even on my lowest of days I can find the strength to comfort another in spite of myself.

This holiday has been hard though. I am finding no joy in trying to think of others. I am finding no comfort in doing the things I used to love. I noticed how I used to be able to see things on the shelf and think so and so would love this and get it right away with no second thought but now lately I hem and hay and contemplate and talk myself out of it. Thinking its to much or not enough or just not right and then I get nothing and I say oh well, maybe next year I will find something......but I did find something and I put it back and I walked away. SMH

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Going through the motions


I feel calmer ......but then I wonder if I'm just numb to everything at this point? I'm trying to see the future.....but it is still so unpredictable. I know what I want to happen......but we cannot control outside forces, we can only control ourselves. Still going through the motions. Every part of me has left except the physical. I am still struggling to find the way, there is so much at stake if I do this wrong or at the wrong time. I don't want to fall and have to climb from the very beginning again. I want to take my time and find the right footing to keep going up from this point. I am not sure I could even muster the strength to fall and get back up?
Everything says that at this point the biggest thing you need is a support group. I had it when I didn't need it as much. Now when I could use that more than ever......they are all gone. Oh, I get the random how ya doing? But no one ever stays to hear the answer. So superficial that question. People ask it but they really don't want to know. It almost seems that in their mind, the fact that they asked it, means that they did their part. Is that fulfillment for them? Gosh.....it would never be for me! If I ask that question you better be prepared to start talking because I truly want to hear it all! That is what friendship and support are, how can you even begin to think you are a part of someone's life when you don't even stick around long enough to hear about it?
I miss them. I miss those people who decided to let me be a part of their lives. I love still knowing them but I miss really knowing them. Friends? HUH? I don't think I would define it that way. When you have no clue or even an inkling of what someone is feeling in a day.....I don't think that's friends. That's just filler for when you want to believe you aren't empty.
The sad existence we live in, in a world where the communication lines go across the world and we still cannot keep in touch. Going through the motions every day, thinking we are living and we are really just ghosting ourselves.

Still in limbo

Physically this body is still in limbo. Mentally, still picking up the pieces but the soul.....the soul is reaching for the stars, the soul is taking advantage of all the caged space it can, the soul is planning for the future and tasting everything it can get its hands on.

Call me a dreamer but dreams is the only place I am truly free right now. Little by little, inch by inch I still progress. Less and less of me is left in this place. I read a study the other day that stated the majority of women who decide to stay in their marriages is because of money. Which is where I am at right now. 19 years of being a stay at home mom, no career skills, has left me very little to work with to find something that I can live off of without being dependent on someone else. Not something I will ever recommend for anybody. For me, I could live anywhere and make do, but I have to think of my kids and the foundation I am providing for them to start their lives after they leave. Out of all these couples that people talk about 'back then' staying married and making the best of what they had. How many do you think settled because they couldn't afford to leave, had no skills or just plain were happy with him taking care of everything and the dutiful wife like a zombie just going through the motions? I lived it! Its an easy thing to fall into and not even realize. Especially if you seclude yourself and never see that there is a whole world out there that exists.

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going backwards

8.26.18: SAG horoscope 

The universe is telling me.......

Holding on now is easier than letting go, and your stubborn attitude is not helping your cause. Completely releasing your attachment, instead of pushing to realize your dreams, is a catalyst to examine your fears. Trust prosperity will come, even if difficult emotional beliefs surface once you decide not to act on impulse. Are you truly afraid of success or is it disappointment that scares you the most? Write this affirmation down and stick it on the fridge: “You deserve the best.”

Sometimes they take the words right out of my own mind, reading it before I have the chance to put it together. I am tormented by what I have created and now this is the bed I must lay in. I lost the light at the end of the tunnel and am now unsure of what direction to go. I don't want to move because I don't want to take the chance of  losing ground and going backwards. Undoing all the miles I have already completed. I keep hearing Im doing well, maybe a little unconditional but the right thing for me. Playing the long game I suppose you could say. Thats all well and good but its not just about me and that is where it gets complicated.

So I'm keeping my head down, sitting with my knees to my chest and holding tight till something gives me indication of which way to go and that its a good time to move again. In the meantime the tears will fall each night and the days will mean holding them back as I go though the motions, waiting my turn.


Why?

Why does moving on have to mean letting go? Why do so many of us choose a certain way instead of another? Why does having one thing in our life have to mean we can't have something else? 

Why do I ponder such silly things? Like my mind doesn't have enough to think about already just with me in the here and now. Why do I still think of others and care what happens with them?  They choose to not have me a part of their life. They choose to walk away, spouting the forever afters and promises they can never keep. Do people really believe that being in someones life is just knowing who they are?

There is never effort anymore. With all the gadgets we have these days to keep us connected and we still have to deal with the absence of the human mind. Do they think we are empathic? That we can sense the moments we are thought of and how we are thought of? We could only wish it was that easy. Than none of us would have to put in any real effort. 

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To those who it concerns

To those people who for some reason or another just cannot seem to find time in the day for others who they say they care about........you must be exhausted being go, go, go and so busy?!

I have no issues with being the first to text someone whenever I want to or when I think they might be available. I like to tell people I'm thinking about them, miss them or just checking in to see how they are doing. They are my friends.....at least in my mind. I will not find the time anymore however if I keep getting nothing back. Even hours or days later.....no response. Really? Could I at least get a TY or an emoji? What is that 2 seconds, 3 maybe? Are you still alive over there? I'm starting to wonder. This really is showing me that I am of no priority or thought even to be dismissed in this way. Everything comes before me, literally everything? 

I'm sick of waiting, sick of wondering, sick of hoping that the next chime might be you. Sick of taking the time to make sure my words are just right so that I can help you engage in a conversation with me. Its silly that when you do finally contact me that its been so long that I have to repeat everything I said the last time we spoke because you couldnt even remember what we had talked about. 

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Lost? confused?.....undecided?

Well I am back to only sleeping about 4 to 5 hours a night. It doesn't help that I wake up in the mornings and almost instantly start crying. This has happened every morning for about a week now. It used to be nice to have a good hard cry. It seemed to wash things away and be relaxing and I could fall asleep after a cry. These ones don't seem to work that way. They are just the beginning, they are the catalyst that starts the wheels and inner voices going. For one because I have to ask myself....WTF? why am I waking up crying this time? Dreams maybe I don't remember, because I have started dreaming again but I still haven't been able to hang on to them like I used to. A lot of it is feeling alone. I'm sure of this because I know for a fact I have.

I know transition is hard, the changes make you feel confused because your like in flux with the things in your life. I'm right in the middle of it.......I look back and think, what am I doing? Should I be leaving the stability? Was it really that bad?.....I look forward and think, it will be better, right? It will even out eventually and I can settle in, right? 

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living again?

Its been 3 weeks. I took off my training wheels and I stopped taking the meds to see if I have made enough changes and can handle myself with the new coping strategies. So far so good....only mild symptoms. The gloriousness has been this week and getting my dreams back. Oh how I have missed dreaming! Even when some are so stupid, you go....what the heck was that about? LOL

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