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Why?

Why does moving on have to mean letting go? Why do so many of us choose a certain way instead of another? Why does having one thing in our life have to mean we can't have something else? 

Why do I ponder such silly things? Like my mind doesn't have enough to think about already just with me in the here and now. Why do I still think of others and care what happens with them?  They choose to not have me a part of their life. They choose to walk away, spouting the forever afters and promises they can never keep. Do people really believe that being in someones life is just knowing who they are?

There is never effort anymore. With all the gadgets we have these days to keep us connected and we still have to deal with the absence of the human mind. Do they think we are empathic? That we can sense the moments we are thought of and how we are thought of? We could only wish it was that easy. Than none of us would have to put in any real effort. 

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To those who it concerns

To those people who for some reason or another just cannot seem to find time in the day for others who they say they care about........you must be exhausted being go, go, go and so busy?!

I have no issues with being the first to text someone whenever I want to or when I think they might be available. I like to tell people I'm thinking about them, miss them or just checking in to see how they are doing. They are my friends.....at least in my mind. I will not find the time anymore however if I keep getting nothing back. Even hours or days later.....no response. Really? Could I at least get a TY or an emoji? What is that 2 seconds, 3 maybe? Are you still alive over there? I'm starting to wonder. This really is showing me that I am of no priority or thought even to be dismissed in this way. Everything comes before me, literally everything? 

I'm sick of waiting, sick of wondering, sick of hoping that the next chime might be you. Sick of taking the time to make sure my words are just right so that I can help you engage in a conversation with me. Its silly that when you do finally contact me that its been so long that I have to repeat everything I said the last time we spoke because you couldnt even remember what we had talked about. 

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Lost? confused?.....undecided?

Well I am back to only sleeping about 4 to 5 hours a night. It doesn't help that I wake up in the mornings and almost instantly start crying. This has happened every morning for about a week now. It used to be nice to have a good hard cry. It seemed to wash things away and be relaxing and I could fall asleep after a cry. These ones don't seem to work that way. They are just the beginning, they are the catalyst that starts the wheels and inner voices going. For one because I have to ask myself....WTF? why am I waking up crying this time? Dreams maybe I don't remember, because I have started dreaming again but I still haven't been able to hang on to them like I used to. A lot of it is feeling alone. I'm sure of this because I know for a fact I have.

I know transition is hard, the changes make you feel confused because your like in flux with the things in your life. I'm right in the middle of it.......I look back and think, what am I doing? Should I be leaving the stability? Was it really that bad?.....I look forward and think, it will be better, right? It will even out eventually and I can settle in, right? 

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living again?

Its been 3 weeks. I took off my training wheels and I stopped taking the meds to see if I have made enough changes and can handle myself with the new coping strategies. So far so good....only mild symptoms. The gloriousness has been this week and getting my dreams back. Oh how I have missed dreaming! Even when some are so stupid, you go....what the heck was that about? LOL

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Not wandering but pacing

Pacing it seems in the same line, over and over again. I feel caught in a loop, one that I feel I have put myself into. That I let happen. I fight for the things I think I can win and I walk away from the ones I think I can't. Isn't that how it should be? No wasted effort on those things that you have already been shown are impossible right? No matter how bad you want it? Some things are not meant for you?

I miss this friend that had come into my life. It had been a very long time since I had had someone who knew what I wanted to say without me even saying it, or someone who could read between the lines (now that was a new one for me) No one had ever came into my life and bothered to pay that much attention......but priorities over me took him away, and I understand, I truly do. It doesnt mean it hurts any less though. Sometimes I think to that maybe he just wasnt in my life long enough to stumble and fall like the rest of them? Every one starts out all well and good, caring, notice the little things, show concern. Then the pattern begins......they get hooked on the words that  made an impact and all of a sudden you start to hear the same words repeated over and over. Where did the uniqueness go? Where did the creativity, the person who was just themselves a minute ago, go? 

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Just Tired

This says it all for me right now, I don't need to add much more.

Not much

I've been MIA from here for awhile. School bogged me down as well as many other of lifes great mysteries....LOL

The meds they have me on for my panic attacks and anxiety have stolen.......?my passion, my intensity? the things that make me, me. I don't like it, but it is a necessary evil right now in order to help with the other whirlwind of chaos surrounding me and keep me from jumping over the edge and losing myself. Once that part is resolved than I can get back to being me. How long that will be? I don't know but I still have my positivism and I am still happy that I am taking myself in this new direction. No regrets going forward. I have stumbled once or twice but for the most part just trying to keep myself moving and not decide to settle into comfort and fall backward.

New and old friends in my life have showed me support and given a glimpse of what lies ahead. I like what I see and love how it feels! To new beginnings, adventures, friends, lessons and knowledge. I'm here and I'm ready!

Pain

When you open your eyes to personal pain, it’s a part of your development. It’s vital for me to stare pain right in the eyes. Emotional, mental and physical pain is a normal byproduct of life if you are truly living. If the pain is not going anywhere then you need to manage it. Make your trauma become your strength. Our personal pain can be viewed as a horror to run from or a place to be born anew. The choice is Queen of Pain or servant of it. Reigning takes time and does not come easily. 

The first step is acceptance, do not struggle against it or it will just drown you. Negotiate and then adapt, compromise is not weakness. Its intelligence. Wear your pain. Its an honor to come out of the dark and find the light, be proud not ashamed. Heartbreak and grief cause us the most pain but are about taking chances. This is how we learn and grow. From mistakes made and failures encountered. If we never take risks to love someone, try something new or pursue that dream, we may not end up saddened, but we wouldn’t have the experience of being alive and answering the question, what if? It is in our darkest and weakest moments that we show ourselves how strong we can be.

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Feeling

I've been trying to stay away lately from things that make me feel but then there is this needy little girl in me that arises with her hopes and dreams. So positive in her belief of fairytales that she is always on the lookout for that door. I try to reason with her and tell her that reality does not work that way but all she comes out to see is the love and the good and the happy times. When it goes sour she hides away, closing her eyes and covering her ears, while I get to clean up the mess. Adulting sucks. Feelings are impulsive, irrational, hard to control and always seem to get me in some kind of trouble, even the good ones. They leave me lonely, hurt and wounded all the time. I seem to never find the win because I always choose the games where there really is not one to have. On purpose? or that wishful thinking? or......I just am not sure.

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Missing you dad

Today and tomorrow are tough days. It was 17 years ago today that I lost my father and tomorrow is his birthday, he would have been turning 70 years old. Taken to soon from me. I was just married the year before and my first child was barely one years old. I was his baby girl, the one he thought he had the most to make up to for all the missing years. He did his best, I know he tried. I was just starting to get to know him and he was just starting to know what life was like not living in a fog.

He was a recovering alcoholic, 2 years sober. My parents had divorced when I was 5 and I had weekends with dad but it wasn't much. He spoiled me with junk food and watching lots of tv. He kept calm when I threw up all over his couch and wall even though I felt so bad. My dad was someone who worked with his hands. A jack of all trades.......electrician, plumber, woodworker, backyard mechanic, could grow perfect tomatoes and made the best grilled burgers that I have never found a comparison. I wish I could have had the time to tell him these things and to tell him over and over again how much I loved him. His smarts came mostly from common sense and life experiences and he always could make me laugh. He made smart aleck comments and sometimes very deep ones that at the time I never got but I remember to this day.

Whenever I need something repaired or replaced, my first thought is of him. I wish I could call him but instead I try to tackle the jobs the way I would think he would. Just get in there and figure it out as you go. Don't be afraid to get your hands dirty and learn each step of the way. He used to say, "you don't need to know everything, but you do have to be willing to learn new things."

Love you and miss you Dad, I will never forget the monkey faces you made at me when you took out your teeth to make me laugh, the way you laughed and made me feel special even though you had nothing to give me but love, your hugs where you would always lift me up in the air and standing on your feet while we danced in the kitchen. I wish I could talk to you. I could use your carefree, calm attitude these days and those hugs that made me feel safe. You were the first to show me what it was to be loved and no one has been able to come close to that since.

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