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Not much

I've been MIA from here for awhile. School bogged me down as well as many other of lifes great mysteries....LOL

The meds they have me on for my panic attacks and anxiety have stolen.......?my passion, my intensity? the things that make me, me. I don't like it, but it is a necessary evil right now in order to help with the other whirlwind of chaos surrounding me and keep me from jumping over the edge and losing myself. Once that part is resolved than I can get back to being me. How long that will be? I don't know but I still have my positivism and I am still happy that I am taking myself in this new direction. No regrets going forward. I have stumbled once or twice but for the most part just trying to keep myself moving and not decide to settle into comfort and fall backward.

New and old friends in my life have showed me support and given a glimpse of what lies ahead. I like what I see and love how it feels! To new beginnings, adventures, friends, lessons and knowledge. I'm here and I'm ready!

Pain

When you open your eyes to personal pain, it’s a part of your development. It’s vital for me to stare pain right in the eyes. Emotional, mental and physical pain is a normal byproduct of life if you are truly living. If the pain is not going anywhere then you need to manage it. Make your trauma become your strength. Our personal pain can be viewed as a horror to run from or a place to be born anew. The choice is Queen of Pain or servant of it. Reigning takes time and does not come easily. 

The first step is acceptance, do not struggle against it or it will just drown you. Negotiate and then adapt, compromise is not weakness. Its intelligence. Wear your pain. Its an honor to come out of the dark and find the light, be proud not ashamed. Heartbreak and grief cause us the most pain but are about taking chances. This is how we learn and grow. From mistakes made and failures encountered. If we never take risks to love someone, try something new or pursue that dream, we may not end up saddened, but we wouldn’t have the experience of being alive and answering the question, what if? It is in our darkest and weakest moments that we show ourselves how strong we can be.

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Feeling

I've been trying to stay away lately from things that make me feel but then there is this needy little girl in me that arises with her hopes and dreams. So positive in her belief of fairytales that she is always on the lookout for that door. I try to reason with her and tell her that reality does not work that way but all she comes out to see is the love and the good and the happy times. When it goes sour she hides away, closing her eyes and covering her ears, while I get to clean up the mess. Adulting sucks. Feelings are impulsive, irrational, hard to control and always seem to get me in some kind of trouble, even the good ones. They leave me lonely, hurt and wounded all the time. I seem to never find the win because I always choose the games where there really is not one to have. On purpose? or that wishful thinking? or......I just am not sure.

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Missing you dad

Today and tomorrow are tough days. It was 17 years ago today that I lost my father and tomorrow is his birthday, he would have been turning 70 years old. Taken to soon from me. I was just married the year before and my first child was barely one years old. I was his baby girl, the one he thought he had the most to make up to for all the missing years. He did his best, I know he tried. I was just starting to get to know him and he was just starting to know what life was like not living in a fog.

He was a recovering alcoholic, 2 years sober. My parents had divorced when I was 5 and I had weekends with dad but it wasn't much. He spoiled me with junk food and watching lots of tv. He kept calm when I threw up all over his couch and wall even though I felt so bad. My dad was someone who worked with his hands. A jack of all trades.......electrician, plumber, woodworker, backyard mechanic, could grow perfect tomatoes and made the best grilled burgers that I have never found a comparison. I wish I could have had the time to tell him these things and to tell him over and over again how much I loved him. His smarts came mostly from common sense and life experiences and he always could make me laugh. He made smart aleck comments and sometimes very deep ones that at the time I never got but I remember to this day.

Whenever I need something repaired or replaced, my first thought is of him. I wish I could call him but instead I try to tackle the jobs the way I would think he would. Just get in there and figure it out as you go. Don't be afraid to get your hands dirty and learn each step of the way. He used to say, "you don't need to know everything, but you do have to be willing to learn new things."

Love you and miss you Dad, I will never forget the monkey faces you made at me when you took out your teeth to make me laugh, the way you laughed and made me feel special even though you had nothing to give me but love, your hugs where you would always lift me up in the air and standing on your feet while we danced in the kitchen. I wish I could talk to you. I could use your carefree, calm attitude these days and those hugs that made me feel safe. You were the first to show me what it was to be loved and no one has been able to come close to that since.

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Forgetting myself


That tug of war between the heart and mind is one of the most exhausting things I have ever experienced. Like the song the heart wants what it wants, and its very stubborn. Sometimes the mind can convince it to think another way but all around you know it still wants what it wants and the fight ensues.

We know what draws us out, we know that pull to go after what we want and we know what society tells us is what should and shouldn't be done. What is right? What is wrong? How do you fight the devil and the angel on the sidelines when both can make very good points? This used to be easier when things were more difficult to obtain but in this day and age the options are so many it can be overwhelming. In this time we no longer have to settle if we don't want to, so why do we? Its easier......thats why. Its less stressful when you settle because then the decision is made and its done, no more thought necessary.

I DON"T WANT TO DO THAT ANYMORE!!!  I want what I want. I have been there, done that, settled for the life I thought I was supposed to be happy with because it was what was given to me. Sometimes its not such a great thing to have your eyes wide open, to be awake and aware of what you want and having the drive to go get it if you want. Especially when those around you are not at that same level, thats when people get hurt. They don't understand. They think you are crazy and in a way you are making yourself that way. Your swimming against the current within yourself, fighting to keep from going over that cliff. "I'm afraid to fall" you say, but then the voices in your head say " Oh but honey, what if you fly?"

Do you subsist in your life and go through the motions, avoiding the bumps and driving along with the ones who are predictable and safe? Is this living? Why are we here, to just be or to live? What do you want, what makes you happy, what makes life worthy of you?
Do you want to be a forgettable person or do you want to be the person that others can think of and smile?

I want to live, I want to feel like I'm living. I want to be learning new things all the time, I want to be growing and building this person I am within and adding new things to her every day. I want to be with someone that falls in love with her and reminds her that this is who she wants to be when life has its moments where we just subsist and she tends to forget.  I also want to be the woman that reminds those around her that this is OK, that living this life does not have to be about subsisting but about living life and progressing while we can and having others around us that make it worth the extra effort! 

I can't even write

I want to write, I want to get the thoughts down. I want to remember how to put into words the realizations that I have come to in the last 24 hours but stress and anxiety keeps making the pages flip faster than I can see and get the words down. 

Some of the things is being in a fog, isolated, missing my friend, knowing he was always just a text away and now his texts are filled by others instead. Others are personal, things I won't release here but I also can't get down on paper either. 

Obligations, ones i SHOULD not have but yet I have to deal with the fallout either way. AWWW......I want to scream, I want to run. I fight this tug of war in my mind that I shouldn't have to. I want to cry, I want to fight, I want to be pissed that I even have to think this way. I could have the biggest blowout right now, but I will bite my tongue to hold the peace. 

I can't even fight it or argue it......if I say anything it will be denied and I will be told I'm crazy and I'm overthinking and that is in no way what they are thinking of. But I know, I know because there has been enough years of trials and testing and observations. I know it is the way it is but I have no proof except my word against theirs. There is just no fight to have with it. So I will listen to the slamming of things, I will listen to the long sighs, the pouty attitude and I will deal, suppress and keep down these growing feelings of angst to myself. Just keep moving forward the best I can with my head down and my shield held high. Survival is the first priority.

What is it about me?

Intense = extreme force, degree,strength. Passionate, strong feelings and/or alot of effort in a short time. Sigh.....I will do the best I can with the words I have to work with, not sure they are right but they are right for now.

If intense is the right word, it seems to be the best description of the feelings that happen inside of me. I am intense, I need intense in order to feel anything. I feel like a junky, addict needing a fix but a little is not enough, I have built up a higher need. 

Maybe this comes from my sexual trauma? It was something I struggled with for many years. I felt ashamed because I liked it, knew it was wrong but I wanted it to happen as well. Getting good feelings from it and knowing at the same time it was wrong made me shut off my feelings, stuff them away and tell myself they were not real. ??? Don't know, this is just a guess. 

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Mind is working overtime

I have to get this out of my head. Just a thought.....that my mind kept working on SMH  

anyway......some people in the poly and BDSM community do quit the lifestyle or at least the part where they include others, because they meet the one that satisfy's them. In both communities there is a theory among psychologists that the lifestyles are chosen because of trauma?  Poly, its a way of keeping people at arms length, never having to commit. It is also a means to reinforce and solidify the feelings of being wanted by another person, in that you know when someone spends time with you that they really want to be with you because they actually have someone else they could be with if they wanted to. (mostly emotional and mental trauma involved here). In BDSM, (mostly related to physical trauma)......it can be healing or it can be punishment. In this play you will see multiple partners because some will do the kinks the other likes and some will not and sometimes people need all of it, so they will find little bits in others and then you have those that will commit to one because that one satisfy's everything that they are looking for. With both communities it can be a healing experience from your trauma if in the end you can find that good fit. 

I am in no way saying that this is everything to these communities and probably not even everything to me. This is just a surface scratch that I had to get out so I can move on today.

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What it means to me to have a Gypsy Soul

1. To be constantly searching.......learning, seeking, chasing the fire in life. Feeling alive! No excuses, grow, experience, connect and be happy.

2. Be not afraid.......take your shows off, play in the sand. Skinny dip in the ocean. Feel with not just your heart but all your senses, with no barriers in between, raw against raw. Know that nature bares its all to us and so in order to truly experience it we must bare ourselves to it.

3. Look for and make deep connections........if you can. Do not force it. Be yourself, be sure of yourself. Be inspired and be an inspiration. Appreciate the perspective of others along with your own, their angle and experiences can show you a different view then what you know.

4. Care about intentions not appearances........Spend the time to pick someones brain about the meaning of life and listen to their experiences instead of what they are wearing or how they look. The truth has never been nice and neat and pretty....but instead raw, real and natural. Now that is pure beauty.

5. Fight the good fight.......make sure when you decide to stand up for something, its to be counted, not for show. Stay strong in what you believe to be true, only you know your story and what works for you. Be a force to reckoned with if someone else tells you who your supposed to be. They are not you.

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Bonds, Connections and Love

Needed to write this weekend but left my notebook and laptop at home. Ended up writing my thoughts down into a memo program on my phone. Man was that ever hard to reread and keep track of. Here's what I got:

What is a bond? What is a connection? What is love? All of these things are defined so differently by different people, how do you know when something is missing?

Bond.....to join or be joined, an agreement as in a vow, pledge or promise.

Connection....relationship where a person, thing, idea is linked or associated with something else. 

Love....Intense feeling, deep affection, fondness, intimacy, compassion, devotion....etc.

What is a lack of these things? Trauma survivors who never expereinced healthy, unconditonal, lasting love from another will associate love with lust, a feeling of neediness, duty and pity. They will cringe when they hear the words I love you because to them it means I feel sorry, lonely, sad, responsible for you which will enhance their already low self esteem, having the opposite intended effect.

I have to face the challenges I have ahead of me head on, or stay numb.

I thought again about what was asked of me if I was prepared to be alone for the rest of my life. Heres what was said then:  

"I said yes at first..... talked about the fact that I would more than likely be working 12 hour days, to come home to a child with medical issues and a disability, that I will be wiped mentally and probably only have just enough left to give her a few hours of my time. You will need help, where do you think you will get this? I said strangers probably ......I don't know anyone else who would be there, who could be there? ......do you think you'll ever be with anyone again? I laughed and said according to you when would I have time?.......would you want to try? I started to cry and said yes I would but how? I barely hold myself together now, with  no one to talk to and after work and the responsibility of my daughter......OMG, I can just imagine the image we would portray to someone. Asked again.....are you prepared to be alone? Still crying I said, NO. Well then we need to get you there because you need to be ready."  This seems to be the constant cycle of my life. I'm good in thought but in real life its twisted metal. Does it make me mad to think I might stay? YES. Does it scare me to death that I will stumble and fall trying to make it on my own? YES. Do I need to try. YES 

I have tasted what I thought to be true love and I liked it, but now I question it and everything that went along with it because its gone like it never even existed. So now I don't know if thats what I'm supposed to find or if I'm not? How can such a warm feeling at the same time make me feel like ice? I may be told that because of my trauma I have issues with bonding and making true strong loving connections with others but I don't believe its an "I can't" its an " I need to find someone who thinks I'm worth the effort to try".......I can push people away, its easy or keep them at arms length to protect myself and them but sometimes I still get stupid enough to believe what I'm told and let another person manipulate their way under my walls. Pain, I trust, it has never lied......but love, love is a lying, manipulative evil that I'm not sure is as special as others make it out to be.

I am reminded again why I don't trust, because people lie for their own fulfillment. I need to remembering the strong, loving connection I have had with myself all this time and she still makes me happy to be here even if it will be alone.